Everything else seems to go by in slow motion. Everything but me. I've just stopped. I am not sure why. There has always been that one consolation in life. A sort of comfort that keeps me going, knowing at the end of the day, the rule of thumb is this :
So I know, that feeling this way; confused and lost; feeling like everything I do and everything I say and everything I am is nothing but contradictions; in constant denial; will not last forever.
Nothing lasts forever.
See, everybody deals with pain differently. Some write about it, some sleeps it away. Some turn to relevant unhealthy escapisms that acts as solace then turns to addiction. Some people lock it up, shut people out and keep it for themselves.
I had always dealt with my misery the same way as long as I could remember. I will have about 5 minutes of privacy and then I wanted to go out and spill my heart out to the world. I wanted them to share their feelings with me and I wanted to share mine back. I wanted to talk and to smile, to smile and to talk, because so long I was talking and smiling, I wasn't curled up under the duvet waiting for the world to end.
And I always told myself that Nothing Lasts Forever.
But I never truly understood that, did I? The Catch-22 phrase.
Because I have learned, in the past couple of days, that even the best things in life don't.
Growing up, we were best friends. (Oh, how overrated, overused and overestimated that word is.) I carried your schoolbag for you, despite you being the older sister. We played Power Rangers with my friends and you always agreed to be the bad guy because none of us would. We made up the secret place, played water balloons and built crazy monster forts at Nat's place, loved horses and unicorns, threw our broccoli under the table when Mama wasn't looking. We shared birthday parties, the piano, and our love for the Backstreet Boys. You yelled at you know who when you found out he was cheating on me. You always, always counselled me when I fought with my friends, getting me to realize that maybe, just maybe I might have been wrong. It wasn't easy being my sister. But you stuck through it, stuck through with me. You may still be someone I could run to when I'm feeling psychotically depressed but you're not here. And things have changed. Because nothing lasts forever.
You never liked me. Cos I got to play with the boys and you didn't. Cos I had a nice shiny white bike and you didn't. Well, maybe just because I was vain and I didn't think you were cool enough to play with. When you finally did like me, we became inseparable. We walked to school together, went back together, rain or shine; telling and retelling the same stories over instant noodles, ice cream, and hot chocolate; skipped class, got busted for it and then laughing about it after together; dressed for a prom we didn't get to go to and then shared a table at a prom we did get to go to. Even after you left, we stayed friends. It was more convenient that way. We already understood each other; we already shared a background, a history. But we failed to understand that relationships needed constant effort and continued depth for absolute potency. And these days, I sometimes feel like I'm talking to a stranger, someone I know nothing about, someone who has changed so much I barely know her. Thank you for that text yesterday because it came at just the right time. I know now that nothing lasts forever but I still love you and I don't want to lose you so let's work on our friendship before it is too late.
It turns out we could've been friends since the times of scabby knees and checked white-and-dark blue pinafores and ponytails with matching white-and-dark blue ribbons in our hair. Maybe you could've come out to play with us then. But that didn't count. Pulling your chair out (if that really was true) from under you before you sat down did though. And that was probably the first of many 'if-looks-could-kill' ill feelings you had felt towards me out of many more years to come. Oh yes, we shared a best friend too (maybe even 5 more in 1 Elok), just as we shared many of the same memories. Your letters had always been the most meaningful ones, because they always contained so much recollections and so much reminiscences. Oh the psychic circle and swings and dreams of growing up but staying the way we were. Not too long ago, I saw a light in your room, it was the middle of the night and I had nowhere to go. Lights mean more than brightness. It also meant hope and openness and home. The light said a lot that night. You came back into my life to find comfort and solace from a broken heart and accepting that also meant I found the same in you, my friend. You gave me the first lesson on how nothing lasts forever. But you also showed that we could start over and things may be even more meaningful that it has ever been before.
We dubbed it the Pentagon. We shared good times and bad times. We had laughed together, talked and cried together, supported each other through breaking and not breaking. We were there for each other and that was important. I had never understood the dynamics of this particular friendship but I was happy and that was what mattered. I don't know what happened and some of us are still friends but I guess the others chose to set themselves apart for whatever reason. Cowardly, but some people find it easier to run and hide than face up to their problems. It's true nothing lasts forever but in some way, this has turned out to be better because we didn't need friends like those.
The Sisterhood is new. We had nothing yet so much in common. You girls really are like sisters to me. Sisters I could pour my heart out to, sisters who understood me and where I was going and where I am coming from. Sisters who don't judge me and who are there for me and who would try new things with me. Sisters who thought me about acceptance and understanding and how much time and a hug could mean. Sisters I could debate with, go rock-climbing with, have lunch and dinner with when I'm back in Puncak Hell, let loose and paint the town red with. But most importantly, the Sisterhood keeps secrets, share girly advice, gives hugs and kisses and is honest. I don't know how long the Sisterhood last and it most probably won't be forever but for now, we have each other and that means everything.
Love. You were someone I could come home to. Someone who was always there and someone who loved me back. But when am I going to learn that promises are meant to be broken? That giving everything may mean that somewhere down the road, you will end up with nothing? That love is a gamble and a risk that you don't have to take? When am I going to learn that when someone teaches you something, a lot of times, they leave once the lesson has been departed? But why did you have to make me believe that love exists? It was so much easier when I never believed in it. It was easier to not surrender your heart. But I did. And it was beautiful. And now I am lost. And heartbroken. You gave a new meaning to the phrase "Nothing Lasts Forever". When it comes to you, it scares me to think that I'm going to have to live my life without you. Without you. Oh, what strong words. How will I ever I know what I mean to you? How can I know that the feelings were not just in my head? But that's just it, isn't it? I will never know. Just like you will never know. Because no matter how close we are, I am alone. Alone in my head and alone in my heart. But know that while it lasted, I loved you. I loved you with every living cell in my body and you were everything I had prayed for. But I guess I couldn't be who you wanted me to be. I should have realized that you, just like everything else, was just a loan to me from the universe and someday I am going to have to give you up. I should have realized that what we had, you, were too good to be true. Thank you for the moments and thank you for loving me. Who Knew, right?
In life, I think there was an even more important lesson to learn than remembering that Nothing Lasts Forever. It's the extension to that. And that is:
